• Valentine’s Day lessons for men

    It’s Valentine’s Day again. It seems like we have that holiday every year. This is the holiday that I have trouble with every time it comes around. Don’t ask me why, but it’s true. One might think it’s my fault, but this is simply not the case.

    You see, I’m an expert in the department of LOVE. I know everything there is to know about it. I know everything about love and I know everything there is to know about women too. If I’m lying, I’m dying, brother. I feel the need to say something to help my fellow men friends, my crew that is, to get through this day without totally blowing it with their women folk. If you  just do everything I say, your woman will be in your arms tonight, guaranteed.

    First, a little lesson on love might be needed. I’ve been studying women and love for well over 29 years, so take my word for it, there is absolutely nothing I don’t know about women and love. I am probably the most expertesticle guy in the entire world when it comes to the “Game of Love!”

    Lesson 1: Forgiveness. It is probably true that your woman might have loved other men before you came into her life. That’s OK. She made a mistake, so just overlook it. This is your chance to be the “bigger man,” so forgive her. It is important that you verbally bring this to her attention. Say the words out loud, “I forgive you dear woman, for you know not what you do.”

    Lesson 2: Experience. Men with pierced ears are better prepared for a relationship with women than men without pierced ears. This is true simply because they have experienced pain and they have bought jewelry. If you don’t have holes in your ears, I can fix that for $49.99. Trust me, women will look for this, yes they will. Call me.

    Lesson 3: Understanding. From this point on, people of the effeminate acclimation will understand little or less than none of what I think I’m saying. Women will find it difficult to grasp the meaning of the varied abstract terms of the male lingo thingy. Trust me. I know of what I speak. My research has been ongoing for close to 29 years, which is almost a century. If you are a woman, don’t read this. When I say “woman” I am including men from France in the same group.

    Some time ago I started my studies of women from the inside. I was actually inside of a woman. I’m talking about my whole body, not just parts of me. I’m not going to discuss that portion of my studies, because it was not a happy time for me. When women grow tired of you they can just spit you out and you will spend the rest of your life trying to get back in. Yes, it’s true.

    There are two kinds of love, Man’s love and Women’s love. Man’s love is passionate, short and intense. Women’s love is more companionate, and involves a close and enduring relationship. By enduring, I mean a relationship that can last for years. Women’s love has internal structure and fuzzy borders, hot pink borders. Women’s love like manic depression has its ups and downs. So forget all that stuff and concentrate on “man’s love.”

    Lesson 4: Erotic love. The word erotic stems from the ancient Roman word, “erotismicymally,” which was derived from two even earlier Greek words, erotismicy and mally. So it is no wonder that I named my new line of erotic clothing for men, Erotismicymally Wear. Within the pages of the Erotismicymally Wear, catalog you will find some unbelievably sexy garments for men of all ages.

    We have thong underwear for men of all ages and sizes. We have T-shirts with all sorts of sexy sayings. My personal favorite is a little brown sleeveless tee shirt with the logo, “Show me your boobs!” on the front and “Bring me a beer when you finish the dishes” on the back.

    Photo of Donald's book, The Book Of Women.

    Photo of Donald’s book, “The Book Of Women.”

    Come on men! What have you got to lose? Just call 1-800-DON’T BE A DUMMY. Trust me fellas, you’re going to be a winner this Valentine’s Day.

    • You totally crack me up Donald. Enjoy your Valentine’s Day. Maybe Theresa can do a guest blog and tell her side of the story 🙂 Love you to bits.

    • I totally remember the day I proposed: Valentine’s Day! Now…If I could only remember what date we got married…

      • Wow, I can’t believe I have two readers. Life never ceases to amaze me.
        Thank you Madge. Randy, I feel for ya bud. Like me, you were probably drunk when you got married so, of course you wouldn’t remember the date. My best guess is one of the work days or maybe a weekend day. One of those, I’m sure. I’ll send you a picture of the thong underwear for men.

      • Ralph

      • February 11, 2013 at 3:04 pm
      • Reply

      Did Richard get a copy of your catalog? If so, I can borrow it.

      • Jody Burton

      • February 11, 2013 at 3:59 pm
      • Reply

      Don, WHAT?!? You always find a way to find my tickle place. Thanks for the funny column and for being a great brother-in-law. Love you.

    • Don – I’ll take your word on the thong picture…no need to send…I’ll accept the thought for the deed!

    • I read it too. Fun stuff! I might have to try and write a column.

      • Casey

      • February 12, 2013 at 7:10 am
      • Reply

      Haha! Good one, Don.

      • Maya North

      • February 12, 2013 at 7:20 pm
      • Reply

      I get it! It’s the knuckledragger school of love! Sign my husband up for this one! 🙂 😉 🙂

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