Weiners, Weirdos and Strange Requests
by Donald K. Sanders
Man, this Weiner thingy is just too good to pass up. I mean, I can totally understand what this guy did and why. It is so obvious.
Imagine you’re like 22 years old. You’re just standing there looking dumb when your mom walks up to you and says, “Your name is Weiner.” You are taken aback.
“What do you mean, my name is Weiner?” you reply. “Why is my name Weiner,” you think to yourself.
Just think of it. Of all the names in the entire universe, your name is Weiner. OMG!
If you were Russian, your name would be Вайнер. In Germany, you’d be Weinerschnitzel. Even in Japan you would be ロンドンの俗称 (the great Weiner).
OK, every single day of your life, you will think of yourself as “The Weiner!” Eventually, you accept it and slowly grow to love it. “Yes, I am Weiner!” you announce to the World.
You think, “What better place for a Weiner than in government.” “Yes, I will be Congressman Weiner!” you decide. President Weiner sounds even better.
So, now you have the background of the Weiner guy. Is it so hard to understand why he did what he did?
Consider the fact that if you are going to be named something like Weiner, you have to have the right equipment. If you don’t then you can’t be called “the Weiner.” You would be called “Weenie.”
To go even farther, if you have the right equipment, you naturally want to share it with the world. You are proud of it. I would be, wouldn’t you? You really want to share it. But you’re at a loss about how to do it. There has to be a way.
You think and you think until suddenly you have the answer. You decide to go online and flirt with every young girl that you can find. You look for the perfect young lady. This is a task that may take years, maybe decades.
The trouble is that if you go around asking young girls if they want a picture of “the Weiner” and you’re a congressman, you will be hounded by all sorts of watchdog groups. The least of which is the FBI.
You don’t care. You ain’t afraid of no FBI. You are bound and determined to expose “the Weiner” to entire world, you just have to find the right avenue. You finally find it.
Megan Broussard. It has taken six years of online flirting to find the perfect one, and now here she is. She is young (26), beautiful, and really, really dumb. She’s of French ancestry so that must mean that she loves the Weiner.
You work with her for several weeks and you pass sexy photos back and forth on Facebook. Nothing really explicit at first. You call it “sexting.” Finally, the big day. You post the picture that you know will be life-altering. This will get you off the Hill and into the porn industry in one swift moment. Weiner smothered in underwear is the only way to describe the photo that you post.
So that is that. The Weiner is out. No one is shocked because we’ve become accustomed to the display of odd behavior from our elected officials. The odder the behavior, the higher up in government they get.
People everywhere are getting stranger and stranger all the time. One governor thinks he can sell a senatorial seat while sporting a bad comb-over. It seems that if you’re young and on Capitol Hill you are open game for every pervert sporting a suit and tie, riding in a taxpayer limo.
Smut is everywhere. Even the church openly hands out smut. One of the largest and oldest seminary schools in Europe closed its doors because of the open homosexual activities within it’s walls. Confiscated computers from the school were riddled with porn and explicit photos.
It is absolutely unbelievable. Even I, “the Don,” have been plagued by weirdoes with strange requests. Really strange. It never ceases to amaze me how weird people can be. I hesitate to tell you what I’m talking about but I will anyway because I’m “the Don.”
Recently I got a large envelope in the mail from a doctor at Kaiser hospital. Within the envelope there was a plastic bag that came with instructions. This is so really weird. You are not going to believe it.
This weirdo doctor wanted me to send him a piece of poop. That’s right, a piece of poop! I was taken aback.
Did I say that before? I thought, “Why in the world would this guy want a piece of poop?”
First of all, how would I go about pooping into this little bag. Do they want a whole poop or just part of a poop? If so, I need a much larger bag. OMG!
This has to be a trap! What if the bag got caught in a machine down at the post office and splattered all over kingdom come. Wouldn’t it be in the newspaper the next day saying, “Great Columnist and future Citizen of the Year mails piece of poop and gets caught in machine.” Good thing it wasn’t a weiner.