What about my religious liberty to be above the law?
Hi, I’m Sidney, and I’m an atheist. In all the discussion of “religious liberty” as of late, we tend to be overlooked due to not having any religion with which to excuse anything strange, uneven, or evil we might want to inflict on the rest of the population. However, given that recent piece of infamous legislation out of Indiana (and Arkansas), as an atheist, I feel it is our time to invent a few brand new religions to truly, sincerely adhere to for the purposes of subverting whichever laws some of we nontheistic folk personally don’t feel like obeying. It’s fair for the rest of us to cash in on this newly minted religious liberty that everyone else is getting, naturally.
It’s already happened, with the First Church of Cannabis Inc beating me to the punch, so I’ve got all the precedent I need. Voltaire did say “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him,” and necessity is the mother of invention, so I hereby propose some brand new religions to use as magic underwear to protect adherents from unfair laws. After all, once we say it’s a sincerely held religious belief, absolutely anything we might get up to is above board, no? With that in mind, here are five proposals for brand new religions Big Government had better not persecute, lest Fox News take them to task for said hypothetical, un-American crackdowns.
The First Church of Crackheads
Founded recently, but with origins spanning back centuries, this religion’s adherents, called Crackheads, believe in their heart of hearts that in order to be close to God, they must use crack cocaine (or an adequate substitute) to stimulate their minds. In order to preserve their right to worship as they see fit, the Crackheads must be allowed to buy, use and distribute crack cocaine to adherents and possible converts of any age. Arresting them and sending them to jail for living and smoking their faith interferes with their noble purpose of getting tweaked, so the government shouldn’t arrest them and them alone for the production, possession, trafficking, sale, or use of crack and crack accessories, lest we offend the pious Crackheads.
The Synod of the Taxless
Any religion worth its weight in pixie dust and nondisclosure agreements can and should be used as an excuse to hide taxable incomes, but revival-tent hacks of every creed could have told you that. None of them, however, offer such status to their adherents, which is where the Synod of the Taxless come in. The Synod of the Taxless believe that all taxation is a form of theft of their hard earned “Man Dollars” — their money and the amount of it they have represent blessing from the smug demi-demon Capitalismo, the bastard lovechild of the adultress, Ayn Rand, and the demon prince, Mammon, who wears an eternally-tipped fedora made of broken contracts and unsent alimony checks to whorish ex-wives. They hold that this sinister leftist taxation scheme is orchestrated by the Rat Democrats, who are of course rodent-like Moon-Communists disguised as humans who are out to take away their freedom to buy like, kickass ATVs, you guys. With their true belief in mind, the Synod of the Taxless believe that every member of the Synod is the Synod itself, and as such should not one of them should have to pay any taxes or they might as well just not have penises anymore.
The Gentlemen’s Mission of Holy Rape
Given all the bad press that rape is getting these days, it’s easy to forget about the people who think rape should be legal. In the spirit of true religious pluralism, there is a manifest necessity for a new religion, the Gentlemen’s Mission of Holy Rape. In the Mission’s view, there are a lot of cockhungry sluts out there, slutting it up all over the place, but not even giving a little ass to real, nice guys like the adherents of the Gentlemen’s Mission of Holy Rape, the Gentleman Rapists. All of those mean feminists and social justice warriors on their Tumblrs are filling these young women’s heads with nonsense about consent and personal choice. This is making it really hard for the Gentleman Rapists to get the pussy that their conscience tells them they are entitled to as devout and worthy Gentleman Rapists. In order to practice their faith as they see fit, a Gentleman Rapist must be allowed to get his dick wet by any means necessary. The word “creep” is a pejorative on par with slurs like Bible-thumper, raghead, or kike, so in order to not offend the Gentlemen’s Mission of Holy Rape, this song, along with any-and-all other uses of creep in a critical context should probably be banned from everything, ever. Furthermore, charging a Gentlemen Rapist with crimes such as stalking, sexual harassment, rape, or murdering a Western woman would be a violation of their unquestionable religious liberty.
The Neo-Azteca Furries of a New Tenochtitlan
Reviving retro religions seems to be all the rage these days, what with the Temple of Priapus (Google it at your peril) and that new Asatru temple in Iceland. With that in mind, let’s go full throtle and bring back the baddest religion of them all in a 21st century form, the Aztec religion. In order to appease benevolent gods such as Tlaloc the supreme wolf-god of rain and Huitzilopochtli the highest dragon-god of the sun, warfare and the New Azteca culture, they must kidnap and ritually sacrifice humans, preferably nonadherents, to ensure prosperity and the continued blessing of their followers. In order for them to properly practice their religion, the Neo-Azteca Furries must dress up in raunchy animal costumes whenever they please, regardless of any uniform codes to the contrary (even at work!). Even more essentially, the Neo-Azteca Furries have to kidnap, torture and sacrifice whomever them see fit to their benevolent and charitable animal gods. If the practice of their faith is interfered with by anyone, that’s religious fursecution right there, pal. Not cool.
The Illegalist Church of True Crime
If I were to take this proposal to its logical conclusion, I’ve ultimately decided to invent the highest of law and decency-subverting churches. In the philosophy of Illegalism, a French offshoot of anarchist thinking, the only way to truly express one’s firm faith in the ideal of anarchy, they must be able to commit any crime — the adherents of this new religion are called True Criminals. The state is intrinsically illegit, natch, so any and all laws are heretical bullshit. The very thought of punishing a True Criminal for any crime is sacrilege that a free, tolerant society cannot abide. Punishing a True Criminal (or any criminal) for any law they might break would be the height of religious persecution.
So remember kids, think before you legislate, or you might accidentally legalize crack dealing, tax evasion, rape, child sacrifice and everything else. As long as it’s a sincerely held religious belief, we should be allowed to do any of those things we want to, regardless of any moral objections some libtard might have regarding religious liberty selectively circumventing secular law that heathens are subject to.