• When a brother dies

    On the second anniversary of my brother’s death.

    My younger brother died quite suddenly in March of 2013. He was my only sibling, the only relative left in my immediate family, both of our parents being gone. His daughter had asked my daughter to tell me the news. “Mom?” she said on the phone, and the sorrow in her voice stopped my breathing. Had something awful happened–to her? “Gary died.” The moment tore at both of us, I initially fearing for her, then losing my brother, then breaking down in tears. She thinking, I am certain, what would happen to me if, you, my mother, were to die?

    My brother and I had not been close. As children we were left home alone seven nights a week by our dance-teacher parents. We were both survivors, and yet we lived in separate worlds. We watched Laurel and Hardy together, laughing until tears smeared our faces, but we never talked. Was it because of childhood wounds? Siblings injure each other without meaning to, without having control. I remained our father’s favorite, getting grades in school that my brother would never match. He was prized by a mother who had emotionally abandoned me.

    The gender norms of the 1950s further divided us. I was inclined to stay at home and read in my bedroom, he preferred hanging out-—anywhere but there–and with friends I never saw. As teenagers, we would sometimes cross paths at the local beach. I lay on a long towel, fully basted with tanning oil. He and his friends emerged from the sea and, still dripping, plopped their bodies on the sand. Towels belonged to sissies. So did sun tan oil. By the end of the summer the sun had bleached my brother’s blonde hair white and turned his fried skin black. “Boys!” I thought.

    But we were tied to each other, nonetheless, quietly, below the surface, this brother who collected Superman and Spiderman comics and lay sodden on the sand, this sister who was fond of Little Lulus and dried herself carefully before lying on her towel. When I went off to Berkeley for graduate school, he, having dropped out of junior college, bought me a stereo set to keep me company. When, two years later, my mother called to tell me he’d been drafted for Vietnam, I burst into tears and lived in fear of his seeing action. He never did, but when he entered the L. A. Police Academy, I worried again. “Why a police officer?” I asked. “It’s OK, Sis,” he answered gently. “I don’t want my life to be boring.”

    Living in Berkeley where the sight of policemen clubbing protestors was often fresh in my memory, I fretted about my brother, wondered what would happen to his character, feared the dangers he might incur working the night beat in Watts. Jumping fences seemed a regular activity in his life. When I moved East in the 1970s he was working Vice, sitting around a lot in bars with long hair and a longer beard. Then he moved on to Robbery and finally Homicide. At his memorial, the Mexican-American officer who had been his partner told me he was a truly great detective, that he was kind and gentle, that he “cared about people.” These were things I didn’t know and was glad to learn. This part of his existence had remained a mystery to me.

    What I did see was his family life. I saw that he had determined not to be a distant parent like our own. When his young son cried, he took him gently on his lap and comforted him. He indulged his little fireball of a daughter by throwing her into the pool over and over again at her command. Groups of friends liked to gather in his backyard, moving in and out of the pool, eating potato chips and hamburgers and drinking beer. When the immediate family played cards on the holidays, he entered into it with relish and wry humor. He liked to joke and eat a lot.

    After his wife died of cancer in 2001, he moved to be near his son and grandson and slowly began to decline. He had retired and stopped exercising. He ate more, drank too much, developed diabetes and a painful case of gout. He was treated for high blood pressure. I was living in California again but we only saw each other at our aging mother’s birthdays. When she died, we exchanged phone calls and emails about the will.

    I took him for granted. He was my brother. He had always been there, at a distance, but there nonetheless. A large man who did what he wanted, he had seemed as permanent as a mountain. I assumed we would both live to a very old age. Our mother, after all, had died at 102. And then in the first minute of a phone call from my anxious daughter, anxious that I too would prove mortal without warning, he ceased to exist. I felt a hole in my life than I couldn’t have imagined. I feel it still.

    Even siblings we don’t see, who live differently from us, who move in their own world, may be shoring up our lives, our sense of family, our feeling of being at home in the world without our knowing it. I wasn’t aware of it, but my brother had done that for me. Even now, when I occasionally “speak” to him and say, as if trying to take it in, “You’re not in the world anymore,” I hear him saying, “It’s OK, Sis.”


      • Madgew

      • March 6, 2015 at 6:54 pm
      • Reply

      What a beautiful tribute to your brother.



    • ((((HUGS))) Blood ties, even if troubled, still go deep. My condolences….


      • Maya North

      • March 7, 2015 at 12:14 pm
      • Reply

      Oh, love…. March is hard for me for the same reason. I, too, am the last of my family of origin. Big hugs…


      • Sivan Butler-Rotholz

      • March 7, 2015 at 1:46 pm
      • Reply

      “But we were tied to each other, nonetheless, quietly, below the surface,” “Even siblings we don’t see, who live differently from us, who move in their own world, may be shoring up our lives, our sense of family, our feeling of being at home in the world without our knowing it.” Beautiful, Judy. I have a brother who I love but who is difficult and who I am not close with. And yet I cannot imagine life without him. My heart goes out to you.


      • David Lacy

      • March 7, 2015 at 3:23 pm
      • Reply

      Beautiful column. It feels so uniquely you and entirely relatable for so many of us at the same time.



    • Dear Friends, thank you so much. I realized that I needed to share this column again. It is consoling, truly consoling to have your responses. Just one of the many benefits of being in the iPinion community.


      • Jesse Loren

      • March 8, 2015 at 11:23 pm
      • Reply

      A beautiful tribute.


      • Jesse Loren

      • March 8, 2015 at 11:27 pm
      • Reply

      I lost my brother Lucky on the weekend before my mom’s Memorial in 2014. His wife died in February, our mother in March, and my brother in June. He loved and lived in Acapulco. I relate deeply and personally to this. Thank you for writing about this, it is something I cannot muster.



    • Oh, Jesse, that is truly unspeakable. I’m so sorry.



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