• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • October 22, 2014 in Columnists

    When my computer loves me, I feel good

    I think I’m in love with my computer.

    Think about how you behave when you’re in love and then think about how you behave around your computer. If I’m at home, I’m sitting next to it with my hands all over it. I think about it all the time and if I’m away, I can’t wait to get back to it. If I’m going on a trip, I want to take it with me.

    I eat my meals right next to it and it doesn’t seem to care if there are splashes of food and drink on its keyboard. My wife won’t get on the computer because she says it’s nasty! It’s not nasty, it’s just loved. It’s always by my side. If I want to be with my kids, I can just bring up their pictures on my computer. Even when they come over to see me, I look at them on the computer.

    Yes, I love my computer and I know it loves me too because it insults me like a wife would but slightly differently because it’s a computer. My computer can raise me up or throw me down. I am completely at its will. It takes me wherever it wants. Depending on where it takes me, I can tell if it’s angry or happy with me.

    If it’s happy with me, I’ll wake up next to it. If my computer is angry with me, it will take me to places like www.sharecare.whatever. It is a website that will give you a quiz so you can see how old you really are. I took the damn quiz and it told me I was pushing 88 years old. What the hell? I ate my next meal on the couch while I watched TV.

    One time, my computer took me to a place and I didn’t know what the hell it was. This place promised to show me four ways to keep from running out of money. I thought, “WooHoo!” So I start clicking on it, but it keeps going to a place where I’m supposed to pay them some money. Now anybody that knows me is aware that I don’t ever have any money. I have a debit card but there’s never any money there either. So that’s that. I don’t even know one way to keep from running out of money.

    See what I mean? That’s where my computer takes me when it’s mad at me. And when it isn’t mad at me? When it likes me, it takes me to places where I will feel good about myself and I can feel useful and confident. It gives me problems I can easily solve, thus I enjoy myself.

    One time, my computer took me to a place that said there were only six white rhinos left on this entire planet. Wow, that was a total shock to me, but it set my mind to wandering. Wouldn’t it be cool to be a hunter out there in Africa or wherever those rhinos live? I could see my name in the paper saying, “Oh boy, old hunter guy Donald Sanders bagged a white rhino today!” Then it would say, “Better hurry because if you want to kill yourself a white rhino there are only five left!”

    One day, my computer took me to a place where veterans can get 100 percent home loans with no money down. I tried like hell to get some of those and I had it all planned out to buy 100 houses and rent them out to the poor people in my hometown of Winters, California. Since I’m never gonna be Citizen of the Year of Winters, California, I thought if I helped the poor people maybe someone would nominate me for a Nobel Peace Prize. Nope, never happened.

    Next, it took me to a place that said the Islamic State was making millions and millions of dollars for their cause by selling captured oil. So I set myself thinking about how instead of dropping all of those bombs and killing all sorts of people and animals, wouldn’t it be smarter to think of some other way of fighting them? Then I thought, “Duh!” Even a dumb guy like me knows how we should handle that.

    If the Islamic State is selling millions and millions of dollars’ worth of oil, who the hell’s buying it? If some asshole buys their oil, aren’t they supporting terrorism? I mean, how many people can move millions and millions of dollars’ worth of oil without being noticed? What the hell? Then they turn the oil into gas and we buy it, so we’re supporting terrorism as well! What the hell?

    OK, one time my computer took me to a place where diabetics have a food swap for healthier food. Man that would be great! I would love to swap with them. I could get all the good stuff they can’t eat and give them a bunch of green stuff in return! Woohoo, I’m in the mix with that!

    After that, it took me where some engineer guy got robbed, so he came up with his own security system and it didn’t cost him anything. So that set me to thinking — how I could invent something like that. Well, in just a few minutes of thinking, this is what I came up with. We could go over to that Napa State Hospital and check out one or two of their patients — they should be happy to get rid of them. Think about this.

    We take those two nutcases and chain one to the front door and one to the back door. Who the hell in his right mind is going to break into your house with a guy chained to the entrance? Even better, take the nutcase’s clothes off so he’s as naked as a jaybird, and put a doghouse next to him with some cow bones lying around in the dirt.

    Am I smart or what?

    Wouldn’t you feel good about how your computer loves you when it takes you to places where you can feel good about yourself too? Yeah, I feel good!

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