Where is Kristen?
The year is 2000. I am still finishing up high school and having a difficult time at home with my parents just like most teenagers. I wanted so desperately to grow up and be on my own, (why do we all think it will be fun? There should be a class about how much adulting sucks).
Then I met a (much older) man who showed interest in me and seemed to understand what I was going through. My 17-year-old self believed it, and started the next 20 years of my life before I’d even graduated.
Who really knows who they are at that age? I certainly did not. My parents told me it was a bad idea and that I should do things for myself before being involved in a relationship But I was mad at them. So why would I listen? A few years later we were married and eight and a half years later we had three children. I was a young working mother with endless responsibility, but I was still a child.
The year is now 2019 and I’m a single mother, working five days a week and attending college. I have never been so overwhelmed and busy in my life but I have been digging deeper and discovering who I really a.m. A writer? Maybe. A teacher? Possibly. But damnit, I am my own person and I have years ahead of me to figure out what brings me joy and what holds me back.
My friends told me, my parents told me, online friends who have been through divorce told me. If someone doesn’t accept you for who you are then how could I expect to be happy with myself? I was always changing for my person. I’d say I was evolving and growing but really I was the child of narcissist alcoholics who’d run away and started a new life with a new family.
I changed my whole self. I held back my “crazy” and adjusted to my surroundings. I backed down when told I was wrong, or overreacting just to keep the peace. Am I crazy? A little. We all are.
Am I patient, kind, trustworthy and understanding? Absolutely. I’m on an adventure to find Kristen, in her raw form, so that I can build her up to who she needs to be.