Who will save us?
Last week was a bitch.
President Shithole delivered a State of the Union speech loaded with lies and reality TV stunts. The Republican Senate, with the exception of Willard Mitt Romney, failed to do their sworn duty and made a dangerous President, most certainly ruinous. Trump got puffier than ever, waving his “acquitted” newspaper and firing the truth-tellers. He defied freaking Jesus at the freaking National Prayer Breakfast by saying nobody prays for their enemies. It’s in the book you moron, Matthew 5:44.
And then there was Iowa.
If you were looking for a bright spot to end this week of despair, I’m afraid the New Hampshire Democratic Debate didn’t deliver. Nobody landed a knockout punch. So who can rise to the top? Who can deliver us from evil?
Joe Biden was cranky, old and tired – two of the three attributes shared by Bernie. Post-heart attack Bernie is full of energy. Nope, Grandpa, Uncle Joe had no vigor, no passion. He looked very pale, not unlike the New Hampshire electorate. And when Joe did get mad it wasn’t a cool, Bernie mad. He went off into a pissy hissy at Tom Steyer. Biden screeched and stammered about President Bone Spurs’ assessment of the traumatic brain injuries suffered by 50 of our soldiers in Iraq as “headaches.” I agreed with everything Joe said about Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman’s horrific treatment, right down to the fact that Vindman, not rotten, rancid Rush, should have been awarded the Medal of Freedom. But rather than a stirring, spontaneous response, Joe had to order the audience to stand and clap. Later, Biden inexplicably said out loud he would probably lose New Hampshire. I agree with him on that one too.
Tom Steyer may have found a small chink in Joe Biden’s Afro-armor when he called on Joe to publicly disavow statements from longtime friend, and campaign surrogate, state Senator Dick Harpootlian. South Carolina’s black caucus found Harpootlian’s tweet dissing the caucus’ chairman and Steyer supporter, Jerry Govan to be racist. Twice during the debate, Steyer asked Joe to set the record straight but Biden refused, saying he thought the guy was sorry. Steyer continued to focus on African-American injustice by claiming to be the only person on the stage calling for national reparations. He looked directly into the camera on that one, but he may have been reading my columns because for the most part he addressed the questioner, rather than annoyingly eyeballing the camera. Tom closed with something like “imagine the mountain and we’ll climb it together.” Maybe he was trying to continue his nod to Black History Month by attempting to echo Dr. King’s “I’ve been to the mountaintop” speech. It was an awkward and failed attempt, but it was cute.
There was nothing cute about Pete Buttigieg when ABC News correspondent Linsey Davis, who happens to be African American, asked him a direct question. She wondered why blacks in South Bend were four times more likely to be arrested for pot than whites during his eight year term as mayor. He dodged. Linsey persisted. He dodged again. Good luck in South Carolina, Pete.
Andrew Yang is a cool dude who loves and honors his wife for staying home with their boys, one of whom is autistic. I’ll never forget him breaking down in tears at an Iowa town hall when a woman relayed a story of her four-year-old getting fatally shot by a stray bullet in front of her son. He imagined his children in their place and he couldn’t stop crying. When have you ever seen a politician show such empathy? During the New Hampshire debate Yang repeated his plea to change how we measure our country’s health. Instead of calculating GDP and corporate profit, Andrew believes we need to create a human-centered formula based on mental health, life expectancy, clean air and water, and overall wellness. I hope he doesn’t go away after his run is over. We need Andrew Yang.
Elizabeth Warren can do no wrong in my eyes. She is one of us and she will fight for us. We all know her daddy was a janitor and mama got a job at Sears. There is nobody more authentic. She says things like, “I started my grown-up life as a special ed teacher.” Warren scored when she reminded us race isn’t just about criminal justice. It affects housing, education, and employment. Warren is super strong on stopping gun violence and getting our soldiers out of the Middle East. And she announced that it’s time for a national law to protect a woman’s right to choose. What the hell more does she have to do?
Amy Klobuchar is the only other woman left standing and I remain unimpressed. Yes, she gorilla glued her distracting, bouncy bangs, smart. But her one-liners just sound so stupid. When she told Mayor Pete “59 is the new 38” she sounded like a creepy cougar. I think she misspoke but she said it twice, so maybe she meant to call Pete a “cool newcumber.” And when she looked into the camera and told a drawn-out version of the well-known FDR coffin on a train story about the onlooker who was sobbing and was asked if he knew Roosevelt and the man said, “no, but he knew me.” I think she tried to fake cry. She closed with, “I know you, I will fight for you.”
Bernie Sanders had a good night. He is consistent and strong. In another cute Bernie-ism he said, “No matter who wins this damn thing, we’ll all support him or her.” Okay Bernie, I’ll support Amy if I have to.