• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

      Columnist
    • February 21, 2015 in Columnists

    Why 50 Shades of Grey is ruining all the BDSM fun for the rest of us

    I was having a conversation with someone and I playfully said “do it now, woman.” She replied “Wow, that was very 50 Shades of Grey of you.”

    My heart sunk into my chest. Not so much in what my friend said but with the misconception of what actually BDSM is about and how books (oh there will be more dumb erotica to come out) like 50 Shades of Grey will ruin true intimacy.

    Bad enough I had to endure Twilight, now they ventured into the world of bondage and sadomasochism (BDSM). It not so much that I have a problem with awful romance novels per se, my problem is that people who read the book will start strapping people’s genitalia with jumper cables.

    Electrocuting someone’s private parts isn’t lovemaking, numb nuts.

    Already there are stories about stupid lovers trying to reenact sex scenes from the book or that dumb ass movie and they are getting hurt. Good! I hope they get injured. Stupid fools.

    BDSM isn’t something to be done casually in a haphazard manner. It takes a serious amount of communication, intimacy and trust to be able to pull it off. I am willing to bet those who were hurt by their erotic stunts lack one if not all three of the ascribed elements.

    I don’t judge how people make love nor do I care how they fuck (there is a difference). It’s not my place to be telling what two or more consenting adult do to pass the time. My message to you is that I am in total support of your sexual freedom. However, I do not support your relentless stupidity. You had to buy 50 Shades of Grey and now you want to flog your boyfriend with a flogger?

    SLOW DOWN!

    Allow me to help you out with some pointers on Do’s and Don’ts when trying BDSM:

    1. Use your words.
    2. Go nice and slow.
    3. If you don’t like it, you can always say no.
    4. A little can be a lot.
    5. Be gracious, giving and game.

    Using your words is easy. When you want to delve into kink, you need to talk it out with your sexual partner(s). You need rules and establish what the hell you want to do. It’s easy. Just say what you want to say. If you feel too uncomfortable or unsure about what you want to say, then you shouldn’t be trying to do BDSM with someone.

    Go nice and slow. You would be surprised what you can do with a loose scarf, a feather, or any general piece of fabric. Start off real small. Just ease into it and maybe over time you can talk your partner into calling you a racial slur while hitting you with a tazer gun.

    In all sexual situations, you are entitled to say no. If you don’t like what your partner is doing, you can tell them to stop. You might change your mind on simply having sex. YOU CAN ALWAYS SAY NO! At the point someone says no, the sex is over with. Don’t argue and scream. You need to have enough respect for your partner to understand they might change their mind. Hell, I have been told to stop. I didn’t pitch a fit. I stopped, got dressed and hung out. No means no — period.

    A little can be a lot. A simple ice cube can shake up your partner’s sexual fantasies. A sterilized pin tracing up and down someone’s skin can send goose bumps up someone’s spine. Saying things like “please” and “yes ma’am/mistress” can engage your partner’s sexual mind. Role-playing and pretending you are different people can be fun! Dress up is fun! Having sex in your backyard can be fun (asides from ticks on your unmentionables). All I am saying is that sex doesn’t need to be a decathlon. A little sugar and spice can make it nice. Did someone say sugar on your big floppy…

    Be gracious, giving and game (GGG). GGG is a term used by my sexual guru and America’s favorite gay sex advice columnist, Dan Savage. It’s basically an attitude someone should have sexually. Being GGG is very simple. You don’t whine about having to do something sexual for someone once you are willing to do it. No stomping your feet. No complaints. When you do the deed, try doing it with a smile. You want to be inviting when having sex, especially if you are going down the BDSM road.

    Mostly, I just want to convey the point that respect, honesty and trust are a must. Hell, it doesn’t even need to be about sex. Think of your own relationship. If you can’t communicate honestly, respect the other person(s) and trust them, why are you in that relationship in the first place? Bad enough you can’t tell your significant other that their snoring is annoying — now you want them to tie you up and spank you?

    It’s a conservative wisdom but it’s a wisdom that works — communication. If you can’t use your words, you are lost. And if you are relying on 50 Shades of Grey to communicate your fantasies, be prepared to find the closest emergency room.

    Put the jumper cables away!


      • Kelly

      • February 21, 2015 at 3:08 pm
      • Reply

      Sadly, I think a big part of the 50 Shades obsession has more to do with women’s lack of self-confidence; thinking that having a handsome billionaire be obsessed with you and having virtually no life of their own. I think the BDSM thing is secondary- more of a fad type of thing; and that there is very little connection to “BDSM” type behavior in the book and the actual world of BDSM. (Which I think you were able to touch upon very well; much better than the book. Now, I don’t know a lot about BDSM, but I know that this book is a poor representation of that; the BDSM community (What I know of it) is VERY adamant of that. Some of them are downright outraged, saying that this book depicts a less than desirable position for women; one of little power and even less persuasion.

      I agree with this to some extent. I don’t think that the relationship in the book could be viewed as anywhere near healthy. But to me, the bigger issue is not found in the sexual aspects or in anything to do with BDSM (Which as you have said is all about communication), but more with a woman’s (the main character’s) lack of self worth, and even more so, the lack of self worth and value of the readers and viewers.

      It’s sad to see people take this series so seriously. It’s not like it’s well-written. Or persuasive. It’s just a typical fluff novel that somehow exploded into this crazy phenomenon; unintentionally (I believe) feeding on the idea that man is the leader, the idol, the ruler of all.

      We need to learn to rule ourselves. And definitely not take crappy erotica books so seriously. Sex is something we need to discover on our own terms; in our own way and own pace. Leave the jumper cables to AAA.


      • Maya North

      • February 21, 2015 at 11:53 pm
      • Reply

      What is portrayed in “50 Shades” is abuse. BDSM is about trust and intimacy and what is good between both people. It’s not designed for the pleasure of one person to be at the expense of or the destruction of another. This is a great column, beautifully written, sensitive to the reality of the BDSM culture. Kudos.



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