• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

      Columnist
    • June 17, 2014 in Columnists

    Wicked randomness with Uncle Matt

    Kendall Jenner is in the news because she wore a dress that showed her pelvic bones.  Oh I’m sorry, I’m more of a femur/meniscus kind of guy.  If I could see her right ACL, I would be totally turned on.  The fact that I can see her pelvic bone tells me she hasn’t had anything substantial to eat since the Clinton administration.  OK, look, some people are just naturally thin and it’s her job to stay a size 4. I don’t hate the player nor do I hate the game.  I just hate her fucking dress and the fact Huffington Post had to make a big deal about this boney broad.  Meanwhile, Kendall Jenner laughs all the way to the bank and people starve on the streets.

    Can’t we take the homeless and make them supermodels?  They’re thin too.

    Meanwhile, Iraq is devolving into a toilet bowl.  My summer home in Tikrit, Iraq is losing value on the housing market.  Goddamn terrorists.  Meanwhile, there are still right-wingers out there still defending the invasion and occupation of Iraq.  We brought peace to the Middle East and it almost worked out.  So close to having a Disneyland, an IMAX, and a Nordstrom in Baghdad — it would’ve been the hottest spot in the Middle East.

    When will there be peace in the Middle East?  Once everyone has a bottle of Jack Daniels and gets laid.  I would send the Kardashians, Baldwins, and the “19 and Counting” families over there.  That will improve international relations in the region.

    Ever watch “19 and Counting”?  If watching a giant Jesus-fueled family wasn’t enough, they also have a spin-off show.  Apparently one of the girls in the “19” family has feelings for a boy.  So what does she do?  She tells her mom, and her mom sets up a courtship-styled dating arrangement that’s chaperoned by the mother of the “19” family, Michelle.  Isn’t this the seventh layer of Hell in Dante’s Inferno?   If you didn’t want your daughter to get pregnant, would you let someone who is constantly pregnant chaperone your daughter’s date?  Homeschooled people make me laugh sometimes.

    Michelle from “19 and Counting” is a hottie.  She always has a look like she just got banged by her husband.  Every time she’s on camera, her hair is tousled and she looks like she was just tag-teamed by her husband and a black guy they just met at church (her sexual fantasy come true).  I bet when the cameras are off, she just starts popping prescription meds and gets high as hell.  Then again, if you think her life sucks, it sucks more to be Lebron James.

    The San Antonio Spurs beat Lebron James and the Miami Heat over the weekend.  One of the greatest power forwards ever, Tim Duncan, has five world championship titles to his hall-of-fame career.  Sad part is that no one cares because football is on.  I meant futbol.  Wait the hell a minute — I am a goddamn ‘Murrican.  Stupid ass soccer is on and it’s annoying.  Everyone blowing on those stupid plastic trumpets to make that ambient droning sound during the soccer game.  Oh wait — it’s a match.  Don’t you dare call it a game, you fat and lazy Americans.

    That sound you hear during soccer is called a vuvuzela.  FIFA should wise up and make a vuvuzela white noise machine.  The irony is that a white person has never made that noise, ever.  America doesn’t care about soccer.

    GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!

    I support supermarket sushi.  You know what, the sushi in the supermarket is as good as the sushi I had the other day at a restaurant.  Someone out there will be like Matt, you never had good sushi.  Ignorance is bliss.  I eat the vegetarian, cucumber, tuna or salmon rolls from a supermarket, and I’m happy.  I eat the same thing at a restaurant and I’m annoyed.  Why?  I feel more special when my sushi comes in a black plastic container instead of a dish.

    Again, why?  Ever eat anything out of a bento box?  A bento box will make your life completely filled with joy and fill the empty void in your life.  A bento box to a guy is like a cat to a middle aged woman.  A cat will never replace not having a man in a woman’s life, but the woman tries to have a relationship with the cat anyway.

    Wait, did I just say I wanted a man in my life in a very roundabout way?  I think I just caused myself a moment of homosexual panic.  I can’t help it if Tom Brady is still my heartthrob.  Well, Tom Brady and  Michael Jordan.  Wait, I like guys who make me laugh.  OK, Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, and Sam Kinison… and the defensive line of the ’06 Raiders and the 2013 Boston Bruins third line, and Ronald Reagan.

    Overrated: homestyle meals you eat at home.  You’re already home, and I hate redundancy.

    Underrated: homestyle meals you eat at the strip club at 9 a.m.  It’s 9 a.m., and you can have a nice chicken pot pie while a 23-year-old girl gives a stripper pole gonorrhea.

    Where else can you get gonorrhea and vuvuzela in the same place.

    Well, if a hooker stick a vuvuzela into her… OK, you get the point.  Don’t play with vuvuzelas.

    GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!



    • You crack me the hell up. You write things people are thinking, but won’t admit it. ME TOO! No wonder we get along! 🙂



    • I love soccer and so does my whole family. We all played and my niece is going to the the last week of finals in Brazil. Also went to So, Africa. Also, watch 19 kids because it is hard to believe a family can live like this in modern America. I am always impressed by their no debt lifestyle even before they had a show. I am disappointed no one goes to college but they all have jobs and own properties and small businesses. I find it incredible. I ignore the religious stuff and I am shocked no kids have rebelled except the only child Amy who is a cousin.
      Also supposedly FIFA banned the noisemakers inside stadium, guess it is not working so well.



    • I think the hungry should eat the homeless. That would cure two problems at once.


      • Kathleen Brotherton

      • June 18, 2014 at 9:05 am
      • Reply

      Kendall Jenner may not have been ALIVE during the Clinton Administration..I think we should make a stone type soup with vuvuzela noise makers. We will load them all up into a big pot and everyone can add one vegetable…THEN we can feed Kendall Jenner AND the homeless. No one wants to fondle an underfed ACL! NOONE!

      I hate soccer. You know what REALLY pisses Kat off? Being called a Soccer Mom. There is a big difference between being hit in the head with a baseball or with a soccer ball. My kids don’t play soccer, my kids loathe soccer. I sit not in judgement of any activity that gets anyone off their ass but for me soccer…bleh KEEP futbol.

      I’d like to know above ALL else where you got a good Chicken Pot Pie in a strip club at 9:00 AM. I am ABOUT that.



    • Supermarket sushi is delightful, I agree.


      • Kelvin

      • June 18, 2014 at 7:55 pm
      • Reply

      Matt, you are a sick man. That’s why we need to hang out! They need to stop trying to make soccer happen here. I get it. It’s popular in countries that can’t grow men large enough to play real football. But here soccer is a game for kids where no one keeps score and every kid gets a trophy or ribbon even if they suck. You’re onto something with supermarket sushi. Restaurant sushi has to knock my socks off because if I’m paying fifteen bucks a roll I need it to throw in a lap dance or something. This was awesome!


      • Maya North

      • June 19, 2014 at 8:31 pm
      • Reply

      Are you sure that wasn’t random wickedness? 😉



    • No…. wicked randomness!!!



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