Wicked randomness with Uncle Matt
Kendall Jenner is in the news because she wore a dress that showed her pelvic bones. Oh I’m sorry, I’m more of a femur/meniscus kind of guy. If I could see her right ACL, I would be totally turned on. The fact that I can see her pelvic bone tells me she hasn’t had anything substantial to eat since the Clinton administration. OK, look, some people are just naturally thin and it’s her job to stay a size 4. I don’t hate the player nor do I hate the game. I just hate her fucking dress and the fact Huffington Post had to make a big deal about this boney broad. Meanwhile, Kendall Jenner laughs all the way to the bank and people starve on the streets.
Can’t we take the homeless and make them supermodels? They’re thin too.
Meanwhile, Iraq is devolving into a toilet bowl. My summer home in Tikrit, Iraq is losing value on the housing market. Goddamn terrorists. Meanwhile, there are still right-wingers out there still defending the invasion and occupation of Iraq. We brought peace to the Middle East and it almost worked out. So close to having a Disneyland, an IMAX, and a Nordstrom in Baghdad — it would’ve been the hottest spot in the Middle East.
When will there be peace in the Middle East? Once everyone has a bottle of Jack Daniels and gets laid. I would send the Kardashians, Baldwins, and the “19 and Counting” families over there. That will improve international relations in the region.
Ever watch “19 and Counting”? If watching a giant Jesus-fueled family wasn’t enough, they also have a spin-off show. Apparently one of the girls in the “19” family has feelings for a boy. So what does she do? She tells her mom, and her mom sets up a courtship-styled dating arrangement that’s chaperoned by the mother of the “19” family, Michelle. Isn’t this the seventh layer of Hell in Dante’s Inferno? If you didn’t want your daughter to get pregnant, would you let someone who is constantly pregnant chaperone your daughter’s date? Homeschooled people make me laugh sometimes.
Michelle from “19 and Counting” is a hottie. She always has a look like she just got banged by her husband. Every time she’s on camera, her hair is tousled and she looks like she was just tag-teamed by her husband and a black guy they just met at church (her sexual fantasy come true). I bet when the cameras are off, she just starts popping prescription meds and gets high as hell. Then again, if you think her life sucks, it sucks more to be Lebron James.
The San Antonio Spurs beat Lebron James and the Miami Heat over the weekend. One of the greatest power forwards ever, Tim Duncan, has five world championship titles to his hall-of-fame career. Sad part is that no one cares because football is on. I meant futbol. Wait the hell a minute — I am a goddamn ‘Murrican. Stupid ass soccer is on and it’s annoying. Everyone blowing on those stupid plastic trumpets to make that ambient droning sound during the soccer game. Oh wait — it’s a match. Don’t you dare call it a game, you fat and lazy Americans.
That sound you hear during soccer is called a vuvuzela. FIFA should wise up and make a vuvuzela white noise machine. The irony is that a white person has never made that noise, ever. America doesn’t care about soccer.
I support supermarket sushi. You know what, the sushi in the supermarket is as good as the sushi I had the other day at a restaurant. Someone out there will be like Matt, you never had good sushi. Ignorance is bliss. I eat the vegetarian, cucumber, tuna or salmon rolls from a supermarket, and I’m happy. I eat the same thing at a restaurant and I’m annoyed. Why? I feel more special when my sushi comes in a black plastic container instead of a dish.
Again, why? Ever eat anything out of a bento box? A bento box will make your life completely filled with joy and fill the empty void in your life. A bento box to a guy is like a cat to a middle aged woman. A cat will never replace not having a man in a woman’s life, but the woman tries to have a relationship with the cat anyway.
Wait, did I just say I wanted a man in my life in a very roundabout way? I think I just caused myself a moment of homosexual panic. I can’t help it if Tom Brady is still my heartthrob. Well, Tom Brady and Michael Jordan. Wait, I like guys who make me laugh. OK, Tom Brady, Michael Jordan, and Sam Kinison… and the defensive line of the ’06 Raiders and the 2013 Boston Bruins third line, and Ronald Reagan.
Overrated: homestyle meals you eat at home. You’re already home, and I hate redundancy.
Underrated: homestyle meals you eat at the strip club at 9 a.m. It’s 9 a.m., and you can have a nice chicken pot pie while a 23-year-old girl gives a stripper pole gonorrhea.
Where else can you get gonorrhea and vuvuzela in the same place.
Well, if a hooker stick a vuvuzela into her… OK, you get the point. Don’t play with vuvuzelas.