You Really Won’t Enjoy an Ungasm
by Kelvin Wade
The question that struck me at Rep. Anthony Weiner’s press conference last Monday was when he was asked why he continued to do this kinky stuff after seeing his colleagues self-immolate in sex scandals. He had no good answer. From a lay perspective I believe he found the risk so rewarding that after a while he simply thought he’d never get caught. But when you go from indescribable highs to the deepest lows, pay attention. I call that learning experience the “ungasm.”
The ungasm is when you’re expecting something wonderful and you receive something terrible. If you can learn from your own, that’s great. But if you can learn from someone else’s, you’re ahead of the game.
The ungasm is what Anthony Weiner experienced: his worst nightmare, completely exposed (but not in a good way), standing on a stage telling the world about what floats his boat. The utter humiliation should be enough to ensure that Weiner (and I will avoid making the all-too-easy joke) never Tweets anything more revealing than a headshot. (Just walked into that.)
What would it feel like to have a press conference like that? Imagine all your friends and relatives watching, people who’ve been counting on you to help them with their problems, people you’ve inspired, schoolchildren who have written you letters, all watching you talk about the freaky stuff you do in your down time. It’s the anti-Viagra.
The ungasm is what perverts experience when they drive for hours and walk into a house expecting to be greeted by a nubile 14-year-old girl and are instead greeted by Dateline’s Chris Hansen holding a copy of their online sexy chat.
The ungasm is what the horny john experiences when that hot hooker turns out to be a vice cop.
It’s what Mafioso’s experience when they find out that the new buddy they’ve been blabbing to is an FBI agent.
I’ll give you a more personal example. One of my best friends in 10th grade was a guy named Shawn. The coolest thing about being friends with Shawn is that we had nothing in common but we were still good friends.
During Easter vacation, Shawn went to a Bible camp as a camp counselor. He was supposed to be setting a good example for the younger campers. Instead, he got his freak on with his girlfriend who was another counselor. They were caught in mid-stroke. They had to admit to what they’d done and apologize in front of the whole camp.
Just when you think everything is going your way, presto, the worst result imaginable.
Years ago, my girlfriend Cathi was getting a series of obscene phone calls from the same caller (something that Caller ID and *69 has really cut down on). The last time she got one, she handed the phone to me. I listened to the sicko talk for a minute and then, making my voice as low as possible, I said, “And then what do you want to do next, baby?”
He slammed the phone down and never called back.
Going from euphoria to seeking euthanasia is a jarring experience. Just ask my buddy Jesse. My friends and I were celebrating his birthday drinking over at his place some years ago. The party wrapped about 3 a.m.
I was awakened at 7 a.m. by a call from Big Jess.
“I’m in county jail.”
I was incredulous. How could he be in jail? I left him at his home. He’d gotten hungry and instead of going to his kitchen, he got in his car and drove across town for a cheeseburger. He was popped for a DUI. The ungasm struck again.
I’ve heard it said that if you don’t want to slip, then don’t walk where it’s slippery. Watch yourself so you don’t fall prey to the ungasm.