• Zombie apocalypse: Make it stop!

    by Kelvin Wade

    This has been one of the grossest two-week periods I can recall in a long while. You saw the headline from Miami, Florida. In broad daylight, a naked man named Rudy Eugene, grunting like an animal, stripped a homeless man naked and chewed off his face. The 18-minute attack went on along a busy roadway as cars, taxis and buses whizzed by. A couple of bicycle riders rode by. Finally a police officer arrived on the scene and shot the attacker dead.

    No sooner had we digested (sorry) that awful story when 21-year-old Alexander Kinyua of Baltimore, Maryland was arrested for the murder of his roommate. Kinyua confessed to police that he’d killed his roommate, cut up the body and ate his brain and heart.

    Around the same time, 29-year-old Canadian Luka Rocco Magnotta killed his lover, posted the video online, ate as much of him as he could and mailed the rest to Canadian politicians. He was arrested in an Internet café in Berlin while reading stories about himself.

    We’ve also learned that another homeless Miami man, 21-year-old Brandon De Leon was recently arrested and began growling and barking at police threatening to eat them. He later had no recollection of the incident.

    Last week, a 27-year-old Klamath, California MMA fighter was ruled competent to stand trial in the murder of his sparring partner. He ripped out his partner’s heart while it was still beating and cooked it.

    Finally, a 20-year-old Fremont, California man cut off his penis with an Xacto knife. He was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time.

    I realize one horrific story feeds (sorry) off the other. When something god-awful is in the news, national media naturally selects other horrific stories. It’s a twisted game of one-upmanship that leaves viewers and readers nauseous but we must have the stomach (sorry) for these stories because we keep them alive.

    One of my favorite cartoons is “Rocket Bye Baby.” It’s the story of a Martian baby and an earth baby being mixed up. The human family takes home their Martian baby (not questioning why their baby has antennae.)

    I mention this because this MUST have happened to me. I’m on the wrong planet. There is no way that I’m the same species as the folks in the news. Is there any way I can pay to be on the next SpaceX launch and get up out of here? I’ll go live on the International Space Station if I don’t have to hear grisly stories like this.

    I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “If you’re grossed out by these stories, then why are you writing about them?” That’s the insidious thing about horrible stories. You want to share them. It’s like when you eat something awful and you immediately hand a forkful to your friend saying, “Yuck! Try this!” We want our revulsion validated. We want to know that there are normal folks out there.

    Now, I’m not squeamish. I’m someone who grew up loving horror novels and true crime books. I devoured slasher movies as a teen and read Fangoria Magazine featuring all the bloody special F/X from the movies. I’ve read many books on serial killers, mass murderers and FBI profiling. But when I pick up one of those books, I know what I’m getting. When I log onto USA Today or watch CNN, I’m not expecting ‘Dawn of the Dead.’

    So hopefully the freaks and cannibals have had their fill for a while. How much grisly news can a person take? The most horrific things I want to read about for the next week better be no more offensive than puppy sneezes, baby harp seal births or unicorn farts.

    I need mind sanitizer.



    • You have too much free time Kelvin:) I skip those stories as they would make me puke. I do see them from you online and that is good enough. You keep me entertained with all these awful stories and that’s why I like you so much.


      • Kelvin

      • June 11, 2012 at 11:29 am
      • Reply

      LOL I don’t seek them out. Honestly. I’m like you in that when I see them, I skip them. The first story about the guy in Miami…I refused to read about it but it STAYED in the news for days. And then came the other horrible stories. I’d rather be having coffee with my best friend skewering Teabaggers or discussing new stories I’m working on. No more Zombies!



    • I’ve got a fever and the only cure is “more face”. These stories seem to suck me in like a whirlpool on a toilet.



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